Non-Black Muslims Don’t Want To Marry Me. I Don’t Care.

A few days ago the recent apology of ICNA President Naeem Baig was posted to Facebook:

naeembaig

Mistake, eh?

When I first heard about the questionnaire and the apology that followed, I must admit I wasn’t necessarily vexed about it. The apprehension and down right refusal of some non-black Muslims to marry black Muslims is an age old issue that has plagued the Muslim community for a looooong time. Truthfully, the discussion on interracial relationships isn’t unique to the Muslim community as it’s quite the hot topic in the African American community. Br. Naeem’s reminder speaks toward the racial unity that Islam teaches. However when cultures come into play, opinions change and folks don’t truly want to get to know you.

When discussing interracial relationships, especially in the African American community, we have to look at the different factors. It’s one thing to be attracted to someone from another race because you just thought they were fine. However, when a person intentionally seeks a mate from another race with the assumption that it will some how make them superior, then we must examine the self hate and inferiority complex that is fueling their decision.

13315240_10102370176803738_8276016051008354040_n

Uh huh….

Truthfully, I’ve been hearing African American Muslims make note of the fact that many non-Muslims don’t want to marry Black Muslims, more often Middle Eastern women and Black men. I’ve see multiple conversations/memes on Facebook expressing black Muslims wishes to marry non-black Muslim mates. It’s a constant thorn in a few people’s khimars and kufis. How do I feel about it? Honestly…

I Don’t Care.

Listen, I love my Black Men. I was raised by a Black Man. I grew up with Black Boys who became Black Men. My friends are married to Black Men. In-sha Allah I be will too. I’m part of a community that encourages Black love. Our Black Men support and protect us. Even with all the societal issues we as black folks have I LOVE BLACK MEN. Now this isn’t a shot at men of any other race. Actually this ain’t even about you. It’s about me and mine. I have such a love for my people that if no other race on the planet wanted me but Black Men, I’d be quite alright. And miss me with the “well Black Men don’t want Black Women” rhetoric. I see and know too many Black Men having beautiful Black Babies with Black Women. Although the images like the meme above may promote the idea that we as Black Women are being overlooked by our brothas, I’ve been thoroughly corrected by Black Men who say otherwise.

There are those who will read this and probably say “Sister, in Islam, we are all equal. You are only creating more division.” Oh please. If all Muslims truly lived by that statement we wouldn’t be having this discussion in the first place. I’m not saying we don’t need to have a discussion on racism in Islam. I’m saying that I don’t need the validation of men outside of my community in order to feel loved. So what if a *fill in your choice of non-black* muslim man doesn’t want to marry me. I’m quite comfortable with my melanin-filled brothas over here.


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29 thoughts on “Non-Black Muslims Don’t Want To Marry Me. I Don’t Care.

  1. B. LUQMAN says:

    As Salaamu alaikum. Well first let me say that their was no need for that brother to apologize and he shouldn’t have taken the question off. When it comes to marriage chemistry is emportant so if you like me blue, black green or white, it’s best you say that up front if your preference is that strong, especially on a Web site where your probably filtering through all types of men. As an African American male Islam has empowered me so I could care less if someone didn’t want to marry me or get to know me because of my skin color. Alhumdulilah I’m not needy for anything except Allah. And I would wonder seriously about a brother or brothers (and I have seen them) who would sit around much and often discussing how hurt/ upset/ rejected they felt because a non black Muslim doesn’t want them. Furthermore on a true joke side I wasn’t always Muslim so I be like you must not have any game in or out the Deen because as sure as water is wet, their is a non black Muslim somewhere that will marry you

  2. B. Luqman says:

    2nd. It’s funny because my wife sent me this page. I tole her a many years ago that in my experience it is a reality for most African American males that no one wants to marry them. In the hood it’s almost an unsaid rule that you better get your girlfriend or a non Muslim to take shahaadah if you been sitting around the masjid more than a few months and still don’t have any potentials. I know that sounds bad but when I say know one I mean no one. Unless that brother has a good job, decent education, then he doesn’t have a problem getting anyone to marry him immigrant, white or otherwise (immigrants may require a higher level of education and pay/stability). So it varies depending on whour he is, what he has, baggage he got… race is a factor but believe me I’ve seen it, a good education trumps skin color in a lot of cases for the brothers. But the problem is which is the experience I’m see most often is that a good percentage of us A.A. males that I see come into Islam with no education & sketchy work records, baggage. ..ect. when working with that it’s a rap ( unless you got a good rap) immigrants (Africans tooo) especially with a strong family structure and Wali ain’t going to go know where near a brother like that usually, and thinking if I had a daughter I can’t blame them. African American women ain’t trying to hear that either if they got family structure and a strong wali, or if they got a taste of the options they have if they covered properly, learned the Deen. I’m glad you love us Bros but it seems to me that the longer sister be Muslim the higher their ecspectations go… in short if we keepING it real it is often easier to get a sister to act like your girlfriend than to actually marry you when your African american. I know that’s sound sad, hope I’m not airing the dirty laundry to much, may Allah forgive me. In closing this is mostly irrelevant for a well educated African American male. They usually can get married to any race they want (maybe not who they want) and as a good example when you observe a community like the warith Deen community that does exceptionally well pushing education and economics, when Bros get it right and do it right, and have hight self esteem, they very rarely marry outside their race anyway

  3. Fa says:

    whooooooooaa. This article encapsulates my exact feelings about this topic. Black love is so magnificent and revolutionary, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that. I commend this writer for her honesty and getting the message across with respect.

  4. Fatima says:

    Racism is alive and well in Islam and I’ve experienced it many times. Alhamdulilah I am a much stronger Muslim than I thought I was. I’ve had a “well-intended” Arab family “have my best interest at heart” try to introduce me to a brother that they wouldn’t even look twice at for their daughter. I am a physician, the likelihood of me marrying an immigrant working in retail with three children from two different ex-wives while I’m in my 30’s highly unlikely. The likelihood of me being a fourth wife to a 65 year old man while I’m in my 30’s is highly unlikely. And the probably of you entertaining those types of suitors for your precious daughters and nieces is highly freaking unlikely. My husband passed away was Lebanese and people assume we married for his citizenship. He was born and raised in New Jersey. We’re both physicians. My point is, it’s hurtful. I coverted to this religion 10 years ago and worn hijab for 9. My family abandoned me, I had to give up my way of life, and childhood friends for Allah(SWT). I don’t regret that decision. I dislike the fact that the same amount of respect shown to my Arab, Pakistani, or white sisters is not shown to us. If it’s not okay to shake my Palestinian covered sisters hand, why would it be okay to shake my African American hijab wearing hand, ask for my phone number instead of asking for my Wali? I would like for nothing more than to marry a black man if Allah allows, but we are not being sought. My point to all of this is, where I am and in my Islamic community, African American sisters are treated like the bottom of the barrel from other nationalities and black men. The more educated we are, the more likely we are to have to settle. Our educated men are marrying everyone but us. The older we are the more we are overlooked. Really I’m over it all :-). Needed to vent.

    • Mohammed Baybars Mehdi says:

      “Racism is alive and well in Islam”

      Er no. Racism is alive among Muslims, it however has nothing to do with Islam. It’s important to make a distinction. The religion is perfect, the people are not!

      • DK says:

        That’s all I came in here to say. There is no racism in Islam. Muslims (and Moslems, Mooslums, etc) can be hella racist. Allah is sufficient for the Believers.

        The reminders that we should be setting up and supporting our own communities come daily. It beats sitting at these people’s feet and waiting for them to get right. #NewAfrica

    • Tariq Ibn Ali says:

      Islamiccounseling.org cicghouston@gmail.com
      Insha Allah things will get better even though I do not believe it will. People seem to be more prejudice now an being in the Islamic Counseling business I see it first, second and third hand. May Allah elevate us all.

    • Yahyaidris says:

      There is no racism In Islâm! Please get it straight/correct, saying there’s racism in Islâm is like saying Allâh is racist, “‘A’ûdhu billâhi minash shaytânir rajîm” Allâh forbid, No! Some, maybe even a lot of PEOPLE making a CLAIM to Islâm practice racism and have racist tendencies, that has NOTHING to do with Islâm and EVERYTHING to do with the people practicing it! Islâm is sent to us from Allâh Subhânahu wa Ta’âla and practiced by the believers and racism is sent to us from shaytân and is practiced by mankind many of whom sadly claim to be Muslims ‘A’ûdhu billâhi minash shaytânir rajîm”

  5. Jamaal Jruu says:

    This is wack, again blacks falling for the BS! PLEASE TELL ME WHY YOU’RE AT THE ICNA CONVENTION ANYWAY? Do they follow the deen correctly? Do they have your interests at heart?

    Please!

    Many white brothers marry black woman, but many times they’re Somalian.

    Ever think, the blacks that marry non blacks for the personal preference as in, career-check, Deen-check, Well spoken-check check!

    Same goes on in the nom Muslim community. We as black people HAVE TO GET OVER THE RACISM AND MAKE THEM COME TO US!

    Who really cares if they don’t like us or want to marry us. The fact that question was there and was answered that way shows how people truly feel as an anonymous participant. So you stay anonymous, find a companion you won’t divorce and build the ummah in your community.

    Keep it moving.

  6. yajohntar says:

    Thank you for taking the time to write this……I prefer you post, over the party line apologies coming from Muslim Leadership. As African Americans, we have to remind ourselves that institutions will always take on the values of the people who created them. True diversity is not having the same thing or being a part of a thing but having your own thing and that being celebrated and supported as well.

  7. Dino A. says:

    Im a white male 23 years old from southern Europe, and i would like to say i would marry black woman anytime ! personaly i find melaneted sisters the most beautifull on this earth…it doesnt matter if its africa, south america, asia, or wherever… second i believe also its more of a cultural problem and its a norm all over the world and ofcorse it doesnt make it right… i would like to say to my melaneted brothers and sisters keep on strugling and dont get disappointed in life because others people minds and hearts are small and weak.. may Allah s.w.t. grant us the best of spouses. Amin

    Asalamu Aleikum

  8. Hana says:

    I grew up with black people and hAve seen the rascism within the muslim comminity first hand. The ignorance is real. I personally seek a black man for a husband and think black is beautiful. I do however think there is an importance for black love as there has been so much division and eroding of the black family especially in Amerikkka. I don’t know what the issue is. Brown skin is the definition of beauty in all its hues. The darker the berry the sweeter the juice, right . Africa and all her children created the world and muslims shouldn’t know better than this especially given the prophets pbh last sermon. Anyways hope I find a fine king to marry…️Jazak Allah Khair.

  9. Inamkhan says:

    Asalam alikum wa rahmatullahe wa barakatuhu to the Muslim Ummah..The Muslim ummah where men and women are all beautiful maasha Allah irrespective of color,race or country..

  10. Sajdah Sabree says:

    I loooooooove this article because it speaks to who I am as a Muslim African-American. My brothers are all that a bag of chips and a fresh Bean Pie! I love who I am and I raise high my ancestors whose shoulders I stand on. You were raised well as I was that we should have love of self. I only want a Black man too.

  11. Awais says:

    I don’t think its a matter of racism, its a matter of who you are attracted to. And very often people are more physically attracted to individuals of their own race. It’s nothing to do with looking down on others or thinking of yourself as superior.

  12. Sadeeq fantami says:

    Alhamdulillah proudly that I m black Muslim, I love black people may Allah grant us a pious spouses Amiiiiiin

  13. Umm Abood says:

    Really frustrated with this article. You wanna be real, let’s be real. You wrote this article about skin tone and didn’t factor any variables. Every culture has it’s disease. The AA community is no different. I believe AAs are beautiful; the men are tall and strong the women have the ideal female shape. You are beautiful masha Allah. Now let’s get to the real reason why no ones interested. Some of The brothers are jobless and some of the sisters lack class. I said it! I know you have had an uphill battle but you aren’t winning anyone over either. Brothers want to marry you expecting you to pay THEIR way. They get what they want and then want an additional wife. Then divorce you when times get tough. Ladies: when you post on fb “who’s gonna make me a bean pie tonight” rather than “i’m making bean pie, would anyone like to share with me?” It shows a sense of entitlement and LAZINESS. Get off your butt and make your own damn pie. Don’t nobody owe you nothing. Try Being generous and thoughtful. You know how many of my black sisters I’ve helped- you know how many made me feel like i was SUPPOSED to help them instead of being appreciated?! Change your character ppl. When was the last time you heard a pakistani, arab or african asking ppl to do stuff for them? They don’t you know why? Because as a muslim you need to contribute to the ummah not take from it when you aren’t even in need!
    One commenter suggested “the darker the berry the sweeter the juice”. How is that not racist? You’re automatically better bc ur darker?! How about some adab and aklaaq. Maybe if you change your character you’d get more suitors.

    • zara says:

      Your comment is absolutely disgusting. Its funny how non black POC feel brave enough to type such stupidity and ignorance anonymously behind their computer screens.

      • Um says:

        zara- you name calling doesn’t help or change anything. Nothing I said was incorrect! I’ve lived it and experienced it. You’re no better hiding behind ur computer screen using the words disgusting and stupid. The writer presented her opinion and I did mine. Truth is more people think the way I do. Work on your character and change the narrative. No one respects the classless. Stop trolling and write something of substance or stay out of the discussion.

    • Saabirah says:

      Your comment itself is hateful,lacks class and you have some kind of problem because of what’s done too you. You spoke of stereotypes the media has brainwashed with. I know plenty of black men who work and women with class. In ur instance to call out incidence of “laziness” you have shown your own racism. It’s disturbing

  14. Alina Asif says:

    Assalam O Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu sister! You were right at pointing out the role of culture in this issue. Racism doesn’t exist in Islam, but is motivated by cultures Muslims are living in! Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala sent Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) as a role model for us to learn Islam. Then we have the examples of sahaba (may Allah be pleased with them all) to learn from. These examples are enough for anyone to see how practicing Muslims are like. I don’t think anybody trying to follow these examples will be a racist. I think the problem with Muslims who still indulge in this lies in the lack of Islamic knowledge and the love of culture over Islam. After all there lies a huge difference between calling yourself a Muslim, and living like a Muslim. All my sympathies are with u my dear sister! Just keep your neeyah pure, and you’ll In Shaa Allah get what’s good! People’s intentions are with them, and yours are with you.

  15. Rafia says:

    Power to you, sistah! Thanks for sharing your insight and perspective. I am married to a man who’s the same race as me, but it wasn’t incidental. Quite frankly, much of my experiences have been shaped by my Desi culture and entering into marriage is charting new territory enough, I wanted some commonality, so that when our differences do become an issue, they aren’t insurmountable, if that makes sense. I happened to marry the unDesiest man I’ve ever met, but he knows enough about my unique Hyderabadi culture to not have to be bewildered all the time – just 50% of the time 😉

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